I have been dreading 2009 since that hot August day back in 1996 when I walked Tyler into his first day of Kindergarten and handed him over to the absolute meanest woman who ever walked the face of this earth! (Now, this was at a previous school, so all you CPA-moms can relax..haha.) Anyway, after I left Tyler there that day, I came home and quickly calculated the year he'd graduate....and ever since, I've secretly subtracted every school-year checked off and every birthday checked off from 2009, dreading the day. Not really dreading graduation, but dreading the year he'd spread his wings and I'd push him out of this comfy little nest I've nurtured him in for 18 1/2 years. All you older moms who've gone before me know exactly the pain I'm describing.
Well, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, his senior year had begun...about 3 weeks after we brought Macy Li home from China last August, to be exact. All school year long, I've been really proud of myself for not being overly emotional about this being Tyler's last school year and last year at home. You see, I'm a real sap. It's typical for me to be the one falling apart at every sentimental moment and milestone. I boo-hoo when I see a school bus filled with little faces, or whenever a kid from the opposing team hits a home-run, or when I watch my kid's sleeping...or when I see a serviceman in the airport, or at complete stranger's blogs I read,....I'm just that way. I can't help it. But I guess with the diversion of a new baby, my extended illness back in the fall, and life moving at light-speed, I really haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and be overly comtemplative this year and therefore have not begun the grief I've been dreading for so long.
Tyler's senior year has been filled with many "lasts"...the last senior parent coffees, the last football game, the last game played in our home stadium, the last football banquet, the last Christmas break, the last Spring Break, the last semester, the last grading period (woo-hoo!), the last Powder Puff game, the last meetings with guidance/college counselors, the last everything....I've managed to pull through all those like a trooper. I might have shed a tear or three, but I've yet to be hit with that sadness that so many moms who've gone before me have described. I remember this past New Year's Eve, ringing in "2009," and thinking, "Oh dear Lord, this is the year I've been dreading since Tyler was in Kindergarten...Oh Lord, please help me not to be an emotional basket-case! I want this year to be about Tyler; not me!"
Anyway, I have been doing great...until this morning. Last night was their Senior Banquet. This is a very special event for the CPA seniors and has been a long tradition for our school. It's a wonderful night where they have a fabulous catered dinner at the home of one of the seniors, there's a special reflective video capturing all of the graduates throughout their child-hood years to present, etc. At the end of the evening, our "almost graduates" were given the Dr. Seuss book, OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO, and then they all hung around and wrote little notes of "memories shared" in each other's books.
So this morning when Tyler left for school, he handed me the book and said I could read what his friends had written. Yes! This was gonna be good! So, in my typical fashion, I grabbed a fleece blanket, a cup of joe, and Macy Li's monitor and headed out to the front porch where I plopped down in my rocking chair and began to pour over some of the sweetest words ever written, while enjoying the peaceful sound of the Spring rain that was pouring. (Bear in mind that these kids have grown up together in a small, Christian, K-12 school and most started there in Kindergarten. Tyler started in 3rd grade. So while these kids have "done life" together, so too, we families have "done life" together. We are all very intertwined in one another's lives.)
There was the note from the "1st crush," , the note from the soon-to-be-roomies at Samford University, the note from the boy he used to play in the creek with, the notes from fellow football-brothers, and the note from the first girlfriend, and the note from the first prom date, and the note from the boy who he and Tyler nearly hated each other when they were little but God has brought them so close, the note from the boy who was with him in the church nursery when they were mere babies, the notes from the twins who lost their mom after 3rd grade and have literally grown up with Tyler since and are like my own sons, the note from the boy who lost his 5-year-old-adopted little sister last May in a tragic accident, the note from the girl who's mom died suddenly this past fall and was a teacher at our school, the notes from his study-partners, and on and on...
Each of these kids is very close and very dear to Tyler, and therefore to us. All the precious notes were profoundly sweet. All were profoundly sentimental. Each note was filled with maturity, and depth of character, and joy, and thankful hearts, and hearts full of the sweet memories of days gone by. Each note had the ring of a young adult. Each note celebrated the past, but more importantly, looked forward with great hope toward the future.
It didn't take long before I was completely overcome with emotion. Like the Spring rain, my tears were pouring. I was flooded with sweet memories...flooded with thoughts of how much suffering this class has walked through together...flooded with amazement with how they have held each other up in the midst of unspeakable pain...flooded with gratitude of how they've fought the good fight arm-in-arm...flooded with laughter of all the oodles of hilarious moments they and we have all shared...flooded with humility at seeing what incredible adults they've all grown to be...flooded with a thankful heart for all the forgiveness I've watched them freely give...flooded with wonder of how it all passed so quickly...flooded with great expectation for what God has in their futures...flooded with thanksgiving for a boy turned young man, who follows hard after Jesus...And so, there I sat, crying one of those out-loud, snubbing, snorting, sniffling, snot-slinging, contorted-face, from-the-gut kind of cries. It wasn't pretty and I didn't even notice if there were neighbors out walking dogs, or such. If there were, I'm sure I'm the topic of their dinner conversation tonight! Anyway, the "senior" tears have finally begun.
I am so incredibly blessed to have mothered Tyler for these 18 1/2 years. I'm overwhelmed by my faithful God who has gone before us, and redeemed every mistake I've made with Tyler, my "first-born-guinea-pig." I am filled with all sorts of feelings...but just like the sunshine that soon replaced the rain this morning as I sat out there on that porch, I am thankful for this and every season of motherhood. Rain is not always desired, but it brings about the most beautiful Spring. God, in his ever-faithful goodness, has us right here in this place, for such a time as this. His plans are good. His way is perfect. His favor is upon those who's heart is fully devoted to Him. He is trustworthy. I see His fingerprints all over the past 18 years, and know He'll have His loving Hand on the years to come.
This next month is going to be filled with all kinds of celebratory events leading up to graduation, and I'm sure there'll be many a tear shed over the coming weeks, but they'll be tears of joy; not grief. I have MUCH to celebrate and to be thankful for. I am truly humbled to be living out this "Dating to Diapers" life with these amazing kids who inspire me so much.
"I have no greater joy than to know my children are walking in Truth."
3 John 1:4
