Monday, April 20, 2009

Grab a Kleenex...or 20

Well, it's finally hitting me...

I have been dreading 2009 since that hot August day back in 1996 when I walked Tyler into his first day of Kindergarten and handed him over to the absolute meanest woman who ever walked the face of this earth!  (Now, this was at a previous school, so all you CPA-moms can relax..haha.)  Anyway, after I left Tyler there that day, I came home and quickly calculated the year he'd graduate....and ever since, I've secretly subtracted every school-year checked off and every birthday checked off from 2009, dreading the day.  Not really dreading graduation, but dreading the year he'd spread his wings and I'd push him out of this comfy little nest I've nurtured him in for 18 1/2 years.  All you older moms who've gone before me know exactly the pain I'm describing.

Well, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, his senior year had begun...about 3 weeks after we brought Macy Li home from China last August, to be exact.  All school year long, I've been really proud of myself for not being overly emotional about this being Tyler's last school year and last year at home.  You see, I'm a real sap.  It's typical for me to be the one falling apart at every sentimental moment and milestone.  I boo-hoo when I see a school bus filled with little faces, or whenever a kid from the opposing team hits a home-run, or when I watch my kid's sleeping...or when I see a serviceman in the airport, or at complete stranger's blogs I read,....I'm just that way.  I can't help it.  But I guess with the diversion of a new baby, my extended illness back in the fall, and life moving at light-speed, I really haven't had a whole lot of time to sit and be overly comtemplative this year and therefore have not begun the grief I've been dreading for so long.

Tyler's senior year has been filled with many "lasts"...the last senior parent coffees, the last football game, the last game played in our home stadium, the last football banquet, the last Christmas break,  the last Spring Break, the last semester, the last grading period (woo-hoo!), the last Powder Puff game, the last meetings with guidance/college counselors, the last everything....I've managed to pull through all those like a trooper.  I might have shed a tear or three, but I've yet to be hit with that sadness that so many moms who've gone before me have described.  I remember this past New Year's Eve, ringing in "2009," and thinking, "Oh dear Lord, this is the year I've been dreading since Tyler was in Kindergarten...Oh Lord, please help me not to be an emotional basket-case!  I want this year to be about Tyler; not me!"  

Anyway, I have been doing great...until this morning.  Last night was their Senior Banquet. This is a very special event for the CPA seniors and has been a long tradition for our school.  It's a wonderful night where they have a fabulous catered dinner at the home of one of the seniors, there's a special reflective video capturing all of the graduates throughout their child-hood years to present, etc.  At the end of the evening, our "almost graduates" were given the Dr. Seuss book,  OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO, and then they all hung around and wrote little notes of "memories shared" in each other's books.  
So this morning when Tyler left for school, he handed me the book and said I could read what his friends had written.  Yes!  This was gonna be good!  So, in my typical fashion, I grabbed a fleece blanket, a cup of joe, and Macy Li's monitor and headed out to the front porch where I plopped down in my rocking chair and began to pour over some of the sweetest words ever written, while enjoying the peaceful sound of the Spring rain that was pouring.  (Bear in mind that these kids have grown up together in a small, Christian, K-12 school and most started there in Kindergarten.  Tyler started in 3rd grade.  So while these kids have "done life" together, so too, we families have "done life" together.  We are all very intertwined in one another's lives.)

There was the note from the "1st crush," , the note from the soon-to-be-roomies at Samford University, the note from the boy he used to play in the creek with, the notes from fellow football-brothers, and the note from the first girlfriend, and the note from the first prom date, and the note from the boy who he and Tyler nearly hated each other when they were little but God has brought them so close, the note from the boy who was with him in the church nursery when they were mere babies, the notes from the twins who lost their mom after 3rd grade and have literally grown up with Tyler since and are like my own sons, the note from the boy who lost his 5-year-old-adopted little sister last May in a tragic accident, the note from the girl who's mom died suddenly this past fall and was a teacher at our school, the notes from his study-partners, and on and on...

Each of these kids is very close and very dear to Tyler, and therefore to us.  All the precious notes were profoundly sweet.  All were profoundly sentimental.  Each note was filled with maturity, and depth of character, and joy, and thankful hearts, and hearts full of the sweet memories of days gone by.  Each note had the ring of a young adult.  Each note celebrated the past, but more importantly, looked forward with great hope toward the future.  

It didn't take long before I was completely overcome with emotion.  Like the Spring rain, my tears were pouring.  I was flooded with sweet memories...flooded with thoughts of how much suffering this class has walked through together...flooded with amazement with how they have held each other up in the midst of unspeakable pain...flooded with gratitude of how they've fought the good fight arm-in-arm...flooded with laughter of all the oodles of hilarious moments they and we have all shared...flooded with humility at seeing what incredible adults they've all grown to be...flooded with a thankful heart for all the forgiveness I've watched them freely give...flooded with wonder of how it all passed so quickly...flooded with great expectation for what God has in their futures...flooded with thanksgiving for a boy turned young man, who follows hard after Jesus...And so, there I sat, crying one of those out-loud, snubbing, snorting, sniffling, snot-slinging, contorted-face, from-the-gut kind of cries.  It wasn't pretty and I didn't even notice if there were neighbors out walking dogs, or such.  If there were, I'm sure I'm the topic of their dinner conversation tonight!  Anyway, the "senior" tears have finally begun.

I am so incredibly blessed to have mothered Tyler for these 18 1/2 years.  I'm overwhelmed by my faithful God who has gone before us, and redeemed every mistake I've made with Tyler, my "first-born-guinea-pig."  I am filled with all sorts of feelings...but just like the sunshine that soon replaced the rain this morning as I sat out there on that porch, I am thankful for this and every season of motherhood.  Rain is not always desired, but it brings about the most beautiful Spring.  God, in his ever-faithful goodness, has us right here in this place, for such a time as this.  His plans are good.  His way is perfect.  His favor is upon those who's heart is fully devoted to Him.  He is trustworthy.  I see His fingerprints all over the past 18 years, and know He'll have His loving Hand on the years to come. 

This next month is going to be filled with all kinds of celebratory events leading up to graduation, and I'm sure there'll be many a tear shed over the coming weeks, but they'll be tears of joy; not grief.  I have MUCH to celebrate and to be thankful for.  I am truly humbled to be living out this "Dating to Diapers" life with these amazing kids who inspire me so much.

"I have no greater joy than to know my children are walking in Truth."  
3 John 1:4












44 comments:

Kim said...

Ok...
This is an AMAZING post..
I am sitting here crying my eyes out...
I to am going through all of this..
I don't know how I will act when he leaves for bootcamp in Aug..
I know I will probably loose it..
but I know that I have raised him to be a WONDERFUL young man.. you have raised Tyler to be a strong young man also..
We will stay as strong as we can together...
HUGS...

jill said...

now i'm crying. and writing 2025 in big red marker all over my calendars! congratulations on raising such an amazing son (and i'm sure the other 3 kiddos are no less incredible as well). i love the peeks into your home and family. God is so obviously there in every glimpse i see. you guys make me want to be a better parent, and your words speak straight to my heart! THANK YOU for putting all of this out there in blogland.... there are lots of us who need to hear what you have to say! hoping all the graduation festivities are super fun!!!!

Missy said...

RHONDA-

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out right now!!! Your words were so heartfelt and filled with love and admiration for Tyler and his friends. It's great to reflect and hang on to the memories that make life worth living. Tyler will always be your sweet baby boy and take faith in the fact that you have raised him to be a follower of Jesus Christ and a fine young gentleman.

Wish I were there to give you a BIG HUG!!! Cry those ugly cries and savor every last minute.

When you are ready for a photo session...let me know. I would love to capture your angel(s).

You are a rockin' mommy!!!

Corby and Lauren said...

First of all... I'm delurking here. I'm Lindsey Wheeler's sister, so that is how I found your blog. I absolutely love reading your posts and looking at all of your wonderful pictures! This post definitely brought tears to my eyes, as my 6-week old lays in my husband's lap- I know time is going to fly by! I loved reading about Tyler's friends. It made me so thankful to be reminded of the amazing friends I've had throughout life, and it also makes me prayerful that my little girl will experience the same kind of friendships!

I can tell that you are an incredible mom- thank you for being such a great example (even to strangers!).

Anonymous said...

Oh Rhonda....I am in tears here, all the way from Canada. I've said it before and I will say it again your boys are beautiful and just thinking about my three beautiful boys who sleep upstairs as I read this I know all to well how fast time goes. You are an amazing Mother and I have such admiration for you as I follow your blog. Tyler is lucky to have such a wonderful mother and trust me I can see he knows it when I look at the photos of all of you!

Jboo said...

Oh my -- you got me crying here too!! My oldest graduated from high school the year Maddy came home, so I could really relate to all you've been going through. It's easier with the second one. You and your Hub have done a wonderful job raising Tyler (I can tell these things)! He's becoming an amazing and caring young man. Enjoy this season of "lasts" and look forward to the many "first times" [college] coming ahead.

Janet

Ronda said...

Rhonda,
I have been following your blog since you adopted your sweet little girl. We adopted from Haiti in October and have our first son so I love to read about your boys. I have a little girl that I too have been dreading the year but as our relationship sweetens I feel blessed just like you. I will be praying for you next month as I hope you'll remember me. I love your blog!
In Him,
Ronda
(Leslie's friend from Wichita Kansas)visit us at finally-four.blogspot.com

Bamawhitney said...

Oh, what a wonderful post. I am starting that beautiful journey this year as my one and only starts kindergarten. I am both excited and scared. Happy and sad. I know time goes so fast, I wish I could hold on to her small forever!

Megan said...

This was amazing.
I'm not much older than your son (20) and I currently took a break studying for my anatomy final to read this :) and yes..I'm at the library at 20 til' 1am, crazy, I know! It sure does go by fast, huh? I graduated in 2007 and it was very emotional..I also went to a small, Christian school and were with the same people since 5th grade. Even though we don't go to the same colleges my two best friends and I met in the 6th grade and talk on the phone pretty much everyday:) I'd be lying if this post didn't make all those memories come rushing back.
You and your family are such an inspiration and I really truly hope I can have one day what you and have! I know I am not perfect..but I'm striving everyday to be better in His eyes!

Kim said...

Oh Rhonda. I am in tears. Thank you for this beautiful post and glimpse into your heart.
The love and connection I have for your sweet family is beyond words. And to think it all started in a dental chair with a conversation about God's calling for adoption. Then to learn we shared a "three boy" connection. And then you sweet friend, introduced me to blogland. And you know I cannot wait to get Macy Li, Sam & Lucy together!
I can only imagine the range of emotions with Tyler's graduation and the flood of memories that comes with such a blessed milestone. As I see the photos, hear the stories, and read how his friends care for him, all I can say Mom is "job well done!"
I hope and pray that our children make such a mark on His Kingdom. Know that you will be covered in prayer as Tyler starts this new chapter that you and Phillip have beautifully trained him up for!
Love & Blessings,
Kim

Lisa B said...

Oh, Rhonda!
I thought I was holding up real well during Beth's senior year. I, too, am very emotional and well up at EVERY little thing. This morning we pick up graduation announcements and I have been dreading that since she was in kindergarten. So, I thought I had been holding up real well and then I had to go peek in on your blog... I'm toast... soggy, wet, ugly, toast! Thanks for the good cry! Maybe this will mean that I won't blubber and embarrass myself (or my daughters!) at school. LOL!

God Bless!
Lisa

Musings from Kim K. said...

Oh my. I'm bawling reading this post. I'm glad you prepared me for tissue. What a lovely tribute to your son.

Jodee said...

I am crying too! What a sweet post for your first born! I can only imagine how hard this must be and I am not going to do the math anytime soon -- I want Carson to stay in Kindergarten forever!

I love the Dr. Seuss book idea too!

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

My gosh. You need to write a book. The tears are still rolling down my face. It IS hard, but you will get through it, and you have the absolute right perspective...joy in the midst of sadness. Thankfulness that overrides the grief. I love you, your sweet family and will be here if you never need to ugly cry with somebody. These pictures are gorgeous, by the way! God is surely faithful and surely Good!
Love you, Renee

Gwen Oatsvall said...

oh sister .... i needed about a box of Kleenex ... what a beautiful post and one i know Tyler will cherish also ... i look at Jeremiah all the time and wonder how God granted me such a precious 1st born ... There is something special about each our of our children, but our 1st born gave us the title MOM and that gives them a special place in our heart, they are the 1st the leave and the 1st to do everything ... The allow us to see God so clearly !!!

I love ya sister !!!

mommy24treasures said...

oh my what a lovely heartfelt beautiful post.
What a lovely mother you are.

The Dental Maven said...

I can absolutely relate. When my now 8 year old son turned 4 I remember waking on that morning in shock realizing he would be going to college in 14 SHORT YEARS!!!!

Brooke said...

congratulations on being a wonderful mother! i know this moment is sad for you, but its proof of the incredible job you have done! :)

Wendi@EveryDayMiracles said...

You have a beautiful family! Wow. SO it never ends huh? The emotional journey where we have to continually realize that they were never ours in the first place and it is our responsibility to encourage them to be independent and responsible adults. Sometimes I just want them to be cuddle bug babies forever...

Really great post!

Kim said...

Rhonda,

I know the dread and joy you are talking about...I have felt the same way over the years with our oldest...and now that she has one more year with us, the feelings you have expressed are exactly how I feel at times. It is kinda a bittersweet feeling...one of sadness knowing that a HUGE phase of our lives is coming to an end and a joyful anticipation to see what the Lord if going to be doing in our kids lives! If sadness and joy can come together, it does perfectly in this time of letting go.

What a joy to know they are in the Lord's hands, though.

I am not yet exactly where you are...we have one more year...but I know that this is where I have had to trust the King of all creation to take care of Gracie as she prepares for her college and adult years. Can I really trust Him? This is an ultimate test in my own heart.

God has used these years to prepare Tyler for what is to come. Still the memories are great and heart wrenching! What a sweet family you have...and what praise and adoration Tyler must feel in his heart towards God for giving him such a family!

I will be praying for you!!!

Blessings to you all!
Kim

Rebecca Lily said...

Thank you so much for giving me a glimpse into your heart! I was just thinking about this last night. My oldest is only in 5th grade, but she is starting into that "young adult" phase already and I am feeling time slipping away faster and faster!

What a blessing that your son has grown up to be such a fine young man. Precious post!

Gretchen said...

What a beautiful post. Sounds like you have a wonderful job as mom and have raised a special son.

Mari said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog - I'm glad you did so I could read this post. What a beautiful, sentimental post! I can so relate to this. I've gone through it with all three of my kids and you worded it perfectly.
PS - I have a 5 year old niece who was adopted from China, and 2 from Russia - what a blessing!

Rach@In His Hands said...

So beautiful....I hope your son reads this post! As someone who is in arms reach of becoming a mother, these are the posts are touch my heart.

Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog today. I'm happy to have met you! Your family is SO gorgeous. You are blessed!

The Gang's Momma! said...

Wow. You ain't kidding, grab a tissue! What a beautiful, heartfelt post. My hubby and I were just talking the other night that our oldest is only home for another three years. I can hardly even see as I type that. This post says it so well. So well. Thanks for sharing your heart!

misti said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! You have a beautiful family...and you express your love for them beautifully as well!

P.S. - I too am a fan of Redeeming Love...gotta love Francine Rivers!

A Stone Gatherer said...

I felt everything your feeling! I keep thinking about my Jeremiah who was born the year your son went to Kindergarten! Oh how fast the time does go! Thanks for your sweet words on my blog! I appreciate you stopping by!

Shari U said...

Oh, a mother after my own heart!!! I'm well known around these parts as the crazy woman who counts "get ups" until Christmas vacation, spring break, the end of the school year, etc. I've always driven my kids crazy counting down the weeks of summer, "Oh no, you guys, it's been 2 weeks already, we only have 9 left" until they finally asked me to STOP! With my oldest it hit me the hardest when she brought home graduation announcements. She's now in her 3rd year of college, #2 is right behind her in his 2nd year of college. I've got one in high school and my little Miss (adopted China 2003) only has 23 days left of Kindergarten!! The first fall when my 2 oldest had gone away, we met in Atlanta one day for lunch when they were both coming through town, I went to the ladies room and when I was walking back I saw my family sitting together at the table and I stood there and cried. I was so proud of each and every one of them and even though I knew they were doing what I had raised them to do, I just wanted to hold on to them longer. It's never the same after they leave, but I gotta tell you.....when they come back to visit; it's heaven! Oh my gosh, now you have me crying! Enjoy that little girl and all those messes...one day she'll think she needs to get all big and go to college, too.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

This is one of the most beautiful posts you have ever written.....straight from the heart!! What an incredible young man you have raised.....and such a bittersweet moment in your life. Proud you raised such a great child, but sad that it is time to let him spread his wings. I can only imagine the emotion that you are feeling right now.....it is only a matter of time until I am in your very shoes!!

Savor the moment:)

Lisa

3 Peanuts said...

WHat a beautiful and heart felt post. I could hear how proud you are of your son and his friends and how hard it is to let go. I know I will be there before I know it and I know I will be feeling exactly how you are.

Mommy said...

Oh what a way to start my day! I just cried a bucket full of tears for a handsome boy I've never met. :-) Those words are perfection and I hope you will record them for your son. I know he will cherish them someday. Your story about Kindergarten...I did the exact same thing on the first day of school last fall. I could use a shoulder in 2022. :-) Hang in there.

M

tammy ivey said...

Oh my sweet Rhonda, You have such a way with words. Since Zach just graduated last year, i felt the tears you cried. Tell Tyler to remember Zach in his firsts. The first one to ever try and drown him.
Isn't God sweet to provide distractions. And especially a sweet on like Macy Li.
Tyler is an incredible young man. I will continue to pray for you as you go through graduation. When is it?
Did you see that Savannah won Miss Tennessee Teen Princess? She gets to go to Miss Tennessee and Miss America. Want to come. We have to get Macy Li started in pageants now! Ha Ha

Carrie said...

Now you have me in tears:) I guess because my son will soon be getting his learners permit and I've been getting that, ache in the pit of my stomach, knowing he is getting closer to reaching this milestone that your son has.

We live in a very small rural area, so I can relate to the relationships formed through school. I wouldn't take anything for them!

God has truly blessed you with a beautiful family! I enjoyed the visit!

Learnin The Plan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Learnin The Plan said...

That was a good post!!!!! i love theway that i can look at your family and see God by your faces. I can see the way that God has used your kids to speek to me through Him. I no that i am going throught a hard time right now and cann't see the plan that i am learnin, and aint to sure but hen i read you blog i see the plan. And it great.
You have more love in your life by tyler(And the reat of them).
Like i said i am going through a hard time(we have diff reasond but...) will u please email me at srhloo101@yahoo.com
Thank ya

o_O

~Sarah~

Bobbie said...

what a beautiful post..im so dreading the day my little 2 year old Leah walks through the school doors for preschool

Anonymous said...

Now that was amazing! You have inspired me so much through this blog and I am crying right now. Your final verse is the verse that my father would repeat to my siblings and all and the dinner table. I wish you the best over this next month. The Lord has wonderful plans for Tyler and I can't wait to read about them. God Bless!!!

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Awesome post. Thanks for sharing this special time with us. From my heart to yours, I'm sending you much love...

XO,

Sheila

Kelly Swindell and Tol Swindell said...

That was just great. Thanks for making me cry. My kids are only 2 and 1 and I am so emotional over them already. Great post!

Amy Griffin said...

Oddly enough, Ella started Kindergarten this past August...I cried for a week straight (at least)and as I read your blog I realize that my fears are confirmed...it is going to fly by! Thanks for the tears even though my road is only beginning!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this wonderful post. As a mom of six who has just 14 year old twins at home now, it never gets easier. I felt the same way when my oldest (now 26) married and then gave birth to a daughter. I wondered where the time had gone! It seemed as if just yesterday, I had held her in my arms for the first time. And, here she was with her own little one. But, I too am blessed to know that my children "walk in truth" and it is exciting to see where the Lord will lead them. God Bless!

Anonymous said...

Hey Rhonda. I'm sitting here with my Emmie - 4 yrs. and I'm imagining how I'm going to feel when this time comes. I'm sure I will be a mess, and I pray I can do as you have done and make it about her instead of me.

I remember meeting Tyler in 2nd grade during my student teaching just like it was yesterday. I'll never forget these words that he said to me...."I told my mom that we had a student teacher named Mrs. Pack. She said that you might be related to Coach Pack. Do you know him?"

I said, "Yes, that's my husband."
He said, "So, you do know him???"

What a sweet boy he was and I know he is a wonderful young man. Thanks for sharing this sweet blog.
Ann

lora said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! Naively I thought it was going to be easier the second time around.... Nope! it is just a different child that I love with all my heart :)

Rhonda said...

What a beautiful post!!

Rhonda/Twinangel
http://ourladybugadventures.com